Creative Writing Class - The Play
by Shadonyx
Summary: A satire of my period 7 Creative Writing class (I'm Jon!)


****

Creative Writing Class  
The Play  


Cast:  
FALCONE, the Teacher  
DURLAND, another teacher  
KERBER, the Head of the English Department  
THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO  
AMANDA, really smart girl-person  
JON, the Editor-in-Chief of the Lit Mag (also the writer of this Play)  
CHRIS, the mellow rebel student  
ALYCE, the disgruntled student  
NADEGE, the loud student  
RYAN, the new guy  
ALICIA, the quiet student  
JARRETT, Sir-Not-Appearing-in-This-Play  
COLLEEN, the drama student  
SETH, the wrestler  
The Chairs and desks of Room 205  
And a guest appearance by MEGA MAN  
__

(ROOM 205 of Long Branch High School. As usual, the room is extremely hot due to the failure of the school's janitors to understand climate control. The other students are milling around the classroom and talking. JON enters the room.)

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

Good afternoon, JON!  


  
**__**

JON  


Good afternoon, LAURENs.  


  
**__**

FALCONE  


Please SIT DOWN, so I can begin yet ANOTHER UNIMPORTANT AND BORING LESSON on why you all SUCK as writers.  


  
__

(The students sit down in various seats, take out notebooks and writing utensils and stare in FALCONE's direction. FALCONE babbles for a few moments, when CHRIS starts drumming on his desk and wears a bored look on his face.)  
**__**

CHRIS  


Why are we doing this? This is a Creative Writing class. Why are we learning this garbage?  


  
**__**

FALCONE  


I'm trying to teach you the Craft of Writing. You have to learn how to write.

__

(CHRIS shakes his head and FALCONE goes on talking for a few moments.)  
**__**

JON

So… boring…

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME! Do not rant about how boring my class is while I'm talking!

__

(JON stares blankly at FALCONE. FALCONE resumes teaching, as if nothing happened. The students are obviously bored, as while FALCONE scribbles and babbles on about seemingly basic principles of grammar, they are talking and doodling in their notebooks.)

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

This class sucks, let's talk.

**__**

ALYCE

This class sucks so much, why the hell am I here?

**__**

JON

Because your guidance counselor threw you in here?

****

ALYCE

Damn my guidance counselor.

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME! Do not damn your guidance counselor while I'm talking!!

__

(JON and ALYCE stare blankly at FALCONE. FALCONE goes on teaching. AMANDA, who has been writing down diligently every word FALCONE has uttered, turns to JON with a look of disgust on her face.)

**__**

AMANDA

I think JON is weird for staring blankly like that. I think he's schizophrenic.

**__**

JON

Am not!

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

JON isn't schizo!!

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME!! Do not discuss JON's schizophrenia while I'm talking!!

__

(The aforementioned people stare blankly at FALCONE. She goes on teaching once again.)

**__**

ALICIA

I have an idea!

**__**

CHRIS

Where the hell did that come from?

**__**

JARRETT

I dunno.

**__**

JON

You aren't in this play!

__

(JON gets up and throws JARRETT out of a nearby window.)

**__**

CHRIS

If this has anything to do with names, I'm making fun of ALICIA.

**__**

ALICIA

Well…

**__**

CHRIS

YOU AND YOUR NAMES!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME! Do not discuss ALICIA's name fetish while I am speaking!!

**__**

CHRIS

I refuse to stare blankly.

**__**

JON

You know you want to.

**__**

CHRIS

Must… resist…

**__**

JON

Join the Blank Stare Side…

**__**

CHRIS

Uh.

**__**

JON

Ne'ermind…

**__**

NADEGE

Shut up, y'all and pay attention to FALCONE.

**__**

JON

Someone's kissing up.

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME!! Do not discuss NADEGE's blatant brown-nosing while I am speaking!!

**__**

JON

Why, God, whyyyyy…

**__**

CHRIS

You didn't stare blankly.

**__**

JON

Ah, right.

__

(JON stares blankly. CHRIS sighs.)

**__**

COLLEEN

FALCONE sucks so bad at teaching. Why can't she be absent?

**__**

RYAN

. . . . . . .

**__**

COLLEEN

Did you say something, RYAN?

**__**

RYAN

. . . . . . .

**__**

COLLEEN

Em, right.

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME!!

**__**

JON

What is it THIS time?

**__**

FALCONE

I don't know. It's just a reaction.

__

(JON stares blankly, as do several other people. ALYCE shakes her head and looks into the sky.)

**__**

ALYCE

Ugh, FALCONE sucks!!!

**__**

AMANDA

Why can't you all be quiet? I'm trying to write!

**__**

JON

FALCONE LOVER!!!

**__**

AMANDA

Am not!!

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

AMANDA's a FALCONE lover!!

__

(SETH grunts. The rest of the class stares at SETH with odd looks, since SETH has not said a word prior to his grunt.)

**__**

FALCONE

DO NOT GRUNT WHILE I AM TALKING!!!

**__**

COLLEEN

You forgot to say "Excuse me!" this time.

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME!!

**__**

COLLEEN

There ya go.

**__**

ALICIA

I have another idea!

**__**

CHRIS

AAAAHHHH!!!!

__

(CHRIS hurls his notebook at ALICIA.)

****

ALICIA

HEY!!!!

__

(ALICIA throws it back at CHRIS.)

****

ALYCE

NOTEBOOK FIGHT!!!

__

(ALYCE throws her notebook at FALCONE.)

****

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME!!! THERE IS NO NOTEBOOK FIGHTING WHILE I AM SPEAKING!!!

__

(FALCONE throws the Elements of Literature_ book at ALYCE. ALYCE avoids the flying book and flips FALCONE off.)_

**__**

ALYCE

HEY YOU DUMB-

**__**

JON

This play is rated G, ALYCE.

**__**

ALYCE

SCREW YOU!!

**__**

JON

HEY, WATCH IT!!!

__

(AMANDA throws down her pencil in utter frustration and turns to everyone with her hands on her hips and her lips pursed.)

**__**

AMANDA

This has degenerated into utter chaos! I can't write at all!!

**__**

JON

Oh, stop whining.

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

Yeah, stop whining AMANDA!

**__**

JON

I love having the women on MY side.

__

(AMANDA glares at JON.)

**__**

SETH

AAAHHHH!!!!

__

(SETH runs out of his seat to the front of the room to put FALCONE in a headlock. The class gapes at SETH and FALCONE.)

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME!!! DO NOT PUT ME IN A HEADLOCK WHILE I AM SPEAKING!!!

__

(FALCONE body slams SETH. The class stares blankly.)

JON

Em…

**__**

COLLEEN

This is smegged up.

__

(COLLEEN walks out of the class, only to get hit in her rear by the door.)

**__**

COLLEEN

Who did that?!

**__**

THE DOOR

BWAHAHAHAH!!

__

(COLLEEN screams in terror and runs away, while the rest of the class thanks the door for hitting COLLEEN.)

**__**

LAUREN W OF THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

I never liked her anyway, stupid whiny brat.

**__**

RYAN

. . . . . . .

**__**

JON

He's not saying anything.

**__**

RYAN

Could if I wanted to.

**__**

JON

Ah, okay.

**__**

AMANDA

This class sucks! It's all JON's fault!!

**__**

JON

Is NOT!!!

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

It isn't JON's fault!!

**__**

JON

Thank you, ladies.

**__**

NADEGE

DAMN Y'ALL SHUT UP!!!

**__**

CHRIS

You shut up!!

**__**

NADEGE

YOU!!!

**__**

CHRIS

YOU!!!!!

**__**

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME!!! THERE IS NO ARGUING-

__

(SETH recovers from the body slam and picks up FALCONE and slams her into the desk, knocking her unconscious. The class gives SETH an odd look.)

**__**

SETH

GRAAAAHHH!!!

**__**

JON

I don't think I know anyone lacking more IQ points than SETH.

**__**

ALYCE

YEAH, YEAH!!! SLAM THAT-

**__**

JON

ALYCE!! This is rated G!!!

__

(ALYCE throws a pen at JON.)

****

JON

DAMMIT!!!

__

(JON hurls a chair at ALYCE.)

**__**

AMANDA

Stop the violence!!

**__**

JON

NO!!

__

(JON throws a dictionary at AMANDA.)

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

DIE!!!

__

(THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO hurls a thesaurus at AMANDA. Luckily, AMANDA has avoided both the dictionary and thesaurus.)

**__**

AMANDA

Why do you all hate me?

__

(AMANDA starts to sob.)

**__**

JON

We don't hate you. I just needed a goody-too-shoes for the play.

**__**

AMANDA

Okay.

**__**

JON

But we have to kill you anyway.

__

(JON cocks a popgun at AMANDA.)

**__**

AMANDA

NOOOO!!!

__

(The class chants for JON to kill AMANDA, while AMANDA cowers in terror, waiting for the final blow. JON aims the gun, but MEGA MAN appears out of nowhere and knocks the gun out of JON's hand with a well-aimed blast from his plasma cannon. He then disappears. JON and the rest of the class appear flabbergasted while AMANDA looks relieved.)

****

JON

(in a german accent)

MEGA MAN HAS RUINED EVERYTHING!!!

**__**

AMANDA

MEGA MAN is my savior!

**__**

CHRIS

Since when did JON have a german accent?

**__**

JON

You wouldn't understand.

**__**

CHRIS

Um, okay.

__

(FALCONE finally comes around. She looks around the room, slightly dazed. She notices the popgun by JON's feet and she turns to the class with a furious look on her face.)

****

FALCONE

EXCUSE ME!!! THERE IS NO SHOOTING STUDENTS WHILE I AM SPEAKING!!!

__

(JON, with an irritated look, picks up the fallen popgun and shoots FALCONE. FALCONE is hit with the cork and she is apparently killed by the impact. She falls to the floor, and her great weight manages to make her fall through the floor directly into the server control room below. Her corpse crushes the server.)

**__**

JON

BATCHO is going to kill me.

**__**

ALYCE

YES, YES, DING DONG THE B-

**__**

JON

Go ahead and say it.

**__**

ALYCE

No, the play is rated G, I won't say it. But thanks for killing FALCONE, you're my hero!

**__**

JON

Aww… wasn't… too hard…

__

(JON blushed, but AMANDA turns with an appalled look at both ALYCE and JON.)

**__**

AMANDA

JON is evil!!

**__**

JON

Am not!

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

JON isn't evil!

**__**

JON

I love those three.

__

(AMANDA, growling and losing all sense of dignity, leaps on top of THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO and attacks them.)

**__**

JON

LEAVE THEM ALONE!!

__

(AMANDA claws furiously at the TRIO while all three LAURENS scream for help. JON manages to pull the raging AMANDA off of the TRIO. AMANDA pushes JON away and glares balefully in the direction of the frightened TRIO, frothing.)

**__**

AMANDA

Must… KILL THEM…

**__**

CHRIS

Looks like AMANDA'S lost her mind. Cool.

**__**

RYAN

Dude look at the froth in her mouth! She looks like she's drooling bubbles.

__

(The entire class starts to point and laugh at AMANDA. AMANDA turns around wildly and flails her fists around threateningly at the class.)

**__**

AMANDA

I HATE ALL OF YOU!!

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

No you don't, you're just mad that you got the goody-too-shoes part in the play!

**__**

AMANDA

ARRRGGHH!!!

__

(Before AMANDA can renew her attack upon the TRIO, a young man enters the room. He appears to be about thirty, heavyset, with a goatee and blue eyes.)

**__**

DURLAND

Hello.

**__**

JON

And you are…

**__**

DURLAND

Your new teacher.

**__**

CHRIS

They replaced FALCONE that fast?

**__**

DURLAND

Yep.

__

(While the class stares blankly at DURLAND, KERBER, the head of the English Department at Long Branch High School enters the room. She is woman of medium height, slightly frazzled hair and an even more frazzled look.)

**__**

KERBER

Like hell was I was going to let you guys go without a teacher for several weeks.

**__**

JON

But we're good people Mrs. KERBER!!

**__**

LAUREN B OF THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

Yes, Mrs. Kerber, we've been good all the time!

**__**

KERBER

I've seen many a scoundrel in cargo pants and a Dragonball Z shirt.

__

(KERBER exits the room with JON staring blankly at her. DURLAND turns to address the entire class.)

**__**

DURLAND

I'll be Mrs. FALCONE for a while.

__

(DURLAND dons a wig of matted blonde hair and places it on his head. He also takes large balls of tissue and stuffs his chest area. Finally, he puts on big glasses and fake nails and assumes a slightly hunched position.)

****

JON

Um.

**__**

CHRIS

He's better looking than the real one.

__

(EVERYONE stares at CHRIS with an "EWW!" kind of look on their face.)

****

CHRIS

Em… did I say that aloud?

**__**

LAUREN A OF THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

Yeah.

**__**

CHRIS

Damn.

**__**

DURLAND

(speaking in a feminine voice)

Hello, I'm your new teacher. I love teaching. In fact, I went to school here. I have my name on two banners in the Cafeteria, Carlo DURLAND! Yep, that's me, Carlo DURLAND. District Champion in-

**__**

JON

We GET the idea.

**__**

DURLAND

Did I mention that I have two banners downstairs in-

**__**

JON

Yes, you did.

**__**

DURLAND

And that I'm Carlo-

**__**

JON

Yes, yes, YES!

**__**

AMANDA

Looks like JON's the one frothing now.

**__**

JON

Shaddap!!

**__**

THE FANTASTIC LAUREN TRIO

Yeah, shaddap AMANDA!!

**__**

AMANDA

Hate… LAURENS…

**__**

CHRIS

I like beer.

**__**

ALICIA

Talk about saying something stupid.

**__**

CHRIS

At least I don't have a name fetish!

**__**

ALICIA

…shut up!

**__**

JON

I'm going to end the play now.

**__**

CHRIS

Why?

**__**

AMANDA

Finally…

**__**

JON

Because this could carry on forever, and at this point, it's just getting, well, dumb.

**__**

CHRIS

True, true.

**__**

RYAN

WHASSUP????

**__**

SETH

WHASSUP????

__

(JON hits the "RESTART" button.)

**__**

JON

Crud.

**__**

AMANDA

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

__

(AMANDA bashes the computer JON pressed with her bare fists. Within moments, the computer is a heap of plastic and silicon. AMANDA is breathing heavily and her eyes are bulging out in insanity.)

**__**

JON

Um, the end.

__

(EXT THE WARNER BROS. LOGO AND LOONEY TOONS THEME MUSIC. FADE.)


End file.
